Peru

Ahhhhh Peru. Look at you all nestled nice and snug on the west coast of South America. Proudly bumping uglies with the mighty Pacific Ocean whilst kicking back next to Ecuador, Columbia, Brazil, Chile and Bolivia.

For most people Peru's the prefect starting point to taste the sensations of South America. There's the unmissable Machu Picchu with its abilty to immerse visitors in ancient Incan life.

A quick walk through Lima and Cuzco will see you explore some of the most outstanding monuments from the colonial period. Together with the beauty of the Amazon, the serenity of Lake Titicaca and the mysterious Nazca Lines, there's no wonder this tiny South American country draws endless travellers and tourists every year.

We flew into the capital city of Lima into a somewhat modern airport. With a bit of struggle and a bit of bartering we finally grabbed a taxi and headed down a dusty road to our hostel in the leafy suburb of Miraflores.

With stunning coastal walks down cliff sides and panoramic views of the Pacific, Miraflores was totally unexpected.

Squeeky clean, completely modern, full of parks, restaurants and quirky shops. A perfectly made tourist town. Soooo um nooooo, definitely no-ones going to steal your kidney here... :( Bummer!!!

You should definitely explore Lima outside the traps of Miraflores. I recommend a journey to the local markets to test your taste buds on purple corn sweets and pig foot salad. Browse the many fruit and veggie stores and mix about with the locals trying all things weird and wonderful.

Once your full from local delicacy, walk you little tush down to the historical centre of Lima. It boasts perfect examples of Colonial architecture all kept astonishingly restored. There's the Monastery of San Francisco, the Cathedral of Lima and the Torre Tagle Palace all wrapping the city square.

With the surrounding hills covered from top to bottom with colourful favela's, this small part of the city is a cool place to kick back and chillllllllllll.

Ps. At night you should totally hit up a trendy restaurant, order a fresh plate of Ceviche (raw fish cooked in citric acid) and as many jugs of pisco sour as possible.

Get drunk and dance with the locals...

Next up Puerto Maldonado! We jumped on our cheeky flight, channeled our inner Dr Jones and headed DEEP into the Peruvian AMAZON.

It was a dusty, bumpy ride into some thick lush jungle. We pasted some sparse villages and some happy little locals. Once we were riverside, we jumped into our little wooden river boat, kicked our feet up and cruised deep into the AMAZON. We pass a heard of Capybara's. Funky little critters they are!!!!

Once docked, we trek abit and reach our amazionian (eco friendly) cabins. Snuggled deep in the rainforest these little wooden shacks come equipped with mossie nets, candles, bucket showers and drop toilets.

Our first night as amazonian princesses was spent high above the tree tops. Peacefully listening to the sounds of the rainforest and patiently watching our big orange sun dip beneath the lush green jungle creating waves of purple, reds and pinks. #beeeeeeeautiful..

When night crept in everything felt eerily calm. We slipped in our mossie nets and looked forward to a nights rest. "Ahhh this is nice, I'm feeling the zen of rainforest"

But when it was heads down and candles off, the amazon finally decided to come to life. The screeching sounds of creatures crawling, insects clicking, lizards hissing, monkeys jumping and "was that a panther???" Gorgeous really.

4am... and like clockwork comes the sound of either a thousand lions or the world ending!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

"What the fuck is that?"

We walk into camp rubbing our eyes.

"Dear friends do you like our alarm?"

"What is it?"

"Ah friends, it is simply the howler monkey"

"And will this happen at 4am everyday?"

"Yes friends"

*rolls eyes.

Sooo our first full day in the Amazon started with an early morning boat ride to a shiny secluded lake where are guide mentioned we'd try our luck at Piranha fishing.

Piranha fishing hey....Fuck yeah we thought. FUUUUUUN!!.

We found a prefect spot on the bank of the silent lake under some overhanging shrubbery. We whipped out our wooden sticks, pricked some stinky meat on our hooks and we plopped it in the water.

Tick, tick, tock, tick, tock.....Not a single bite... And the hours flicked by..

Typical we tought. But we were determined.

As we waited we were lucky enough to spot a group friendly amazonian otters who were ducking and diving, being all cute and shit. These playful furballs brought some much needed spark to our ever dwindling enthusiasm

BUT, call it luck or sheer skill, my line started dancing.

The german in our group bursts to life "Sir come hereyah, we av gots somethink, he has cort sumfink"

And in seconds I had pulled my first (and may I add the only) piranha onto the deck.

"Ahhh he's not that scary".

Holding him tighting in my little mittens, he squirms and shakes.

The he smiles.

"Wowzers, look at those"!!!

Razor sharp and ready to bite.

"nice teeth mate"

Day two in the amazon and we 'attempt' to climb mankinds biggest natural enemy. The Walnut Tree. AKA the humongous human killer.

This thing was BIG... and TALL. Definitely NOT huggable.

It was a quick lesson in climbing and rope handling and we were on our way.

"Oh cant be that hard"

I was up first. Few tugs in and yep this is ok, 10th tug hmmmm getting a little tired, 100th tug and dear god I think i'm gonna die. "just don't look up" I say to myself, as my arms and legs start detaching from my body.

Buuuuut I tap in at the top. I made it.

I squeeze the sweat from my shirt and admire the view. There was no-one higher than me right now. As I wait for the next sucker to climb up I watch monkeys play, birds sing and ants the size of footballs fight.

Next up was big panda man Joe. A few good tugs and he was on his way, a few more good tugs and he was nearly half way there. Those extra deadlifts were defintely paying off big fella.

Then the worst thing imaginable happens.......

Theres a loud CRACK!!!!

His harness snaps.

And he's dangling sideways. High enough to seriously injure himself.

"Just you hang in there" I scream out, not realising I had just made a horrible but somewhat hilarious pun.

He starts slipping, the harness snapping more and more. He's now upside down and staring head first at razor sharp roots below.

We all start to panic. Joe's getting exhausted.

And with limited english from our peruvian guide and about a 2 hour walk from the cabins we were really starting to worry.

However our Peruvian friends snap into Macgyver mode and with great skill and alot strength they managed to climb up this monstorous tree, attached a second rope and locked joe into safety. How they did it and where they got the strength we'll never know. They're about 4ft tall for god sake. But we're just grateful that big panda man was safe and intact.

Next up.

Cuzco.

With the foundations of an old Inca city mixed well with stunning colonial architecture this city was a welcomed surprise.

​​Filled with markets, restaurants and museums there’s plenty to fill your days trying to acclimatise to being 3000ft in the heavens.

Wander the streets, meet the locals and buy yourself some llama wool warmers. Why not try the llama burger, its rather ahhhhhh greasy...

Our route to the Inca Trail started with a night at the sacred valley of Ollantaytambo, second only to Machu Picchu in size and popularity. You can spend a day exploring the sights and hearing the stories of old Incan life. There's an opportunity to visit mountain tribes, explore their daily lives and enjoy lunch of Ginuea pig and Potatoes. Yep thats right, I said it. Potatoes.

Next thing we were on a train, chugging along the countryside to start our journey on the infamous Inca Trail. Our excitement was building, so much so that we could barely talk. We got a cool little stamp in our passport, a small introduction, some quick hello’s from our new trekking buddies and we set off to begin.

Now make sure you pack some comfortable shoes, preferably hiking boots, these are essential and can make or break your experience. I can tell you now, during the 5 days it takes to complete the trek you will go through just about every weather element exist-able to man. This includes hot heated days, freezing cold nights, icey winds, thick fog, rain that comes in from every angle, we even had to dodge hail stones the size of golf balls at one stage. You’ll walk for hours on end everyday across every type of terrain including slush, mud, rock, dirt and sand. You’ll go up, down, left, right sometimes even backwards. You’ll climb, duck, jump, slide and fall.

And if you're really lucky you might even poop your longjohns *touches nose* looks at Simon.

The amazing porters will carry most of your belongs, as well as all the camping gear, the kitchen equipment and all the food. In otherwords "they're incredible"

They set up the camp hours before your exhausted arse crawls into camp. They even have dinner and a cup of tea waiting. They are the true hero’s of the trek. Admirable and respected.

I advise taking a small backpack, fill it with water, some chocolate snacks and tissues, I say tissues as toilets are not plentiful. HOT TIP: Ask the porters for some coco leaves. #naturalcocaine

Now the trek itself in one word is ‘breathtaking’, in two words ‘physically demanding’, in eleven words ‘full of historical wonders and a once in a lifetime experience’.

Stunning at every turn, if you're not catching your breath, your picking you jaw up from the dirt. Your up in the heavens with the Incan gods surrounded by ruggered white tipped mountains. Wander through old incan villages and their sacred sites, learn about the land and why it was so important to its people. And learn why it is exactly they chose to build these successful civilisations so high up, hidden in the mountain tops.

I could talk for hours about the Inca trail, but there truly are no words that describe your experience, it really has to be seen to be believed. When you climb the final ‘gringo killer’ and watch the sun rise up over Machu Picchu. Just marvel at a historical masterpiece and a job well done.

I’m going to finish up speaking about Peru, I hope you've enjoyed my journey and that it has somehow inspired you to do the same. Its a beautiful country full of fascinating people, wild scenery and crazy adventures. So book a flight, even if it’s just for a nice cold glass of Pisco Sour.