China
Did you know that fortunate cookies weren’t actually invented by the Chinese, but by some hippie in America? Good, neither did I.....
Soo here I was sitting in a dingy restaurant eating noodles from a plastic bowl with little wooden chopsticks. I was being stared down by a chinese man with no teeth and two Chinese girls with fluffy animals in their hair.
*SLURRRRRP*
I devour my tofu noodles.
Now where was my delicious little cookie? The one I break in two, that spills out words of wisdom, that inspires me and tells me what the hell I’m supposed to do with my life…?
I sat there waiting.... But the cookie never came.... The cookie never came!
Now..... Skip back a few weeks and there I was. Sitting in my ergonomic chair in my air-conditioned office wearing a freshly ironed shirt eating my quinoa salad, smiling at whoever walked past. I was happy right?
Wait........Why do I seem to be banging my head against the computer screen and why am I punching the keyboard repeatedly. Its not even 10am and I've already chewed the end off my pen and cursed repeatedly at this STUPID FUCKING PRINTER. Alright thats it. I'm out...
So I quit my job, sold my car and bought a one way ticket to China.
I decided then and there, that was it... I was going to throw away my job in property to teach english in one the worlds most misunderstood country....
So I jumped online, I googled away and contacted a company who recruited foreign teachers in China. They contacted a couple of schools and within days I had a few Skype interviews lined up.
Which basically went as follows;
“Can you please repeat after me, Eye, Ears, Nose and Mouth”
I thought fuck this is the easiest job interview I’ve ever had.
I successfully 'passed' and was offered a job working for a rural school in Western China. I was going to throw away my clean coffee filled life in Sydney for a small chinese town located ‘somewhere’ near the tibetan border. The company arranged my visa, picked me up at the airport, opened a bank account and arranged my medical test. A finger up the bum and an ultra sound later and 'hey presto' I was ready to teach.
Meishan was to be my new home. Quite the modern city, its located in-between the tourist cities of Chengdu and Lushan. It's famed for it poetic past. and huge riverside temple the glows shades of gold at night. Which is quite impressive really. Check out the picture below..
I was introduced to my school.
It was huge, about 4 storeys high, colourful inside and out, had an outdoor space for the kids to run around and was spic and span throughout.
My apartment was in a huge residential complex. Like 45 storeys high!! Wan Jing Guo Ji was its name. Located on the 29th floor I had sweeping views across the city and the neighbouring hills. Underneath me was a modern shopping centre with a freaky supermarket, a gym and endless chinese restaurants. The school even bought me a bike so I could cycle to and from school. A bright blue and white fixie as well. #chinesehipster
On my first day at school they introduced me to Ted. Ted was a tall docile swedish guy whose voice was deeper than the pits of hell. I was replacing Ted and this seemed to oddly please the other teachers.
“Ted smells” a small chinese girl pinches me on the arm.
“Yeah we had to buy him socks and underwear” her friend agreed.
Geeze, quite the critical bunch I thought as I sniffed my underarms.
First person I was introduced to was Chris. The Head Teacher. Chris is a woman, who realised from a young aged she unkowningly picked a foreign boys name. Chris takes control, is very observant and makes sure I'm well looked after 24/7. She's a woman on a mission and immediately I could tell she is someone not to be messed with but someone I could trust.
Second was Kiki. The only other english speaking teacher. Giggly, sweet and very cute. I knew from the minute we crossed paths this bubbly little chinese girl would become my closest friend in China. Only 23, she was full of beans and oozed cheeky chinese charisma.
Last person to meet was
"The Principal" and to be fair I was a little nervous. What would principals in China be like? Was she going to be a Chinese Miss Truchbowl and send me straight to the Chinese Chokey?
I was expecting someone old and mean with warts and liver spots, with man like arms and eyes filled with anger.
Pffft.... I was completely wrong.
Miss Huang was young, pretty and overly friendly. She introduced me to her husband Mr Ching who was equally as friendly but also polite and extremely smiley. Together they welcomed me very warmly into their happy little school.
It didn't take long before all the teachers took a real liking to me. Miss Huang, Chris and Kiki thought I was hilarious. The kids had all embraced their new Aussie teacher and I was really enjoying being in front of a classroom.
I began embracing life in china and day by day it was actually becoming less and less of a struggle . Kiki would constantly take me on tours of Meishan and would teach me the basics skills of survival. I realised quickly that food was possibly going to be difficult and that buying meat is a horrible murderous experience. When I asked for fresh chicken, Kiki took me to the local market where I picked out my own chicken, watched its neck get snapped, its feathers plucked, its body slaughtered, its guts yanked and it all shoved nicely into a warm plastic bag to takeaway.
“oh no luke, is something wrong”
Kiki looked concerned as I hesitated to collect my steaming bag of death.
ahhhhhh nooo"
Another thing good to note is the province I was living in, "sichuan" was famed for its spicy food.
Like mega spicy pits of Modor food.
I was worried. Back in Sydney I was someone who struggled with eating pepper. And here i was in the part of china that eats ghost chilli's for breakie.
I was therefore safe to assume that China was going to be one big endless burning ring of fire.
I would swallow dishes and they would sit in my stomach like lava until I released flames of fury on my shiny little western toilet. I use to cry myself to sleep frightened about my next visit to the bathroom. I use to rock in the corner thinking there was no escape, about the volcano that was about to explode from my backside. It was horrendous, uncomfortable and it was smelly!
But..... STOP!! HAMMER TIME... I'm no girl... And i had to man the hell up!!! And overtime my tongue became tame (numb) and my constant battle with chilli dwindled.
This not only made me happy but my toilet as well. Ha, pepper is for shmucks.
There was one dish however I could never warm up to. The dish from hell. The ‘hot pot’. This horrendous local dish consists of dipping cuts of ‘meat’ into boiling spicy stock. Brains, tongues, feet, ears, eyes, tails, intestines, tripe it was all there and the Chinese loved it. It’s filthy, it smells and was just plain disgusting.
"I'll just have a banana thanks"
With my new found love for spicy food, I was beginning to worry about my constant greasy food intake. So I decided to join a gym. I had always enjoyed a good work out in Sydney but was never one of those crazy crossfit weirdo's!
So I applied to the little gym that was inside my building.
AND YEP, I was a complete hit.
I had all the PT's fighting each other to train with me. These happy, horny beefed up chinese gods were the funniest part of my day. 'Sweat is just fat crying' they would scream as we benched pressed and dead lifted the day away to the sounds of chinese pop music!
I also soon learnt that KTV is a cult. KTV is also know as karaoke TV. And if you're Chinese KTV is life or death. Miss Huang was first up, ‘Celine Dion - My heart will go on’ flashed across the screen. She stood up. Proudly holding the microphone, eyes focused, she shook in preparation.
“ever nights in mice dreams, I see youse, I fears youse, those are house I nose youse go onnnnnnnn”. You get the drift.
Now lets talk about Chris.
At the start I found it endearing that she cared soo much for my saftey and well-being. A few weeks in though it really started becoming monotonous.
“Luke be careful, you must be careful ok, just be careful” Geeze i get it Chris, ill be careful.
"Luke are you being careful?"
I started calling her Grandma. Even slippery footpaths became to dangerous for me to walk down. I was like "Jesus calm down girl". And thats when it sparked.
"Jesus, you know Jesus?"
"Ahhhh well no, not personally"
Chris was a devoted catholic you see. Strange I know, but along with her friend Aiko they loved and worshipped everything remotely Jesus Christy. China is known for being quite atheist, theres buddhism but it's rare and hardly practised. Miss Huang especially loved to pick fun at Chris and her faith. Re-enacting the hail mary’s behind her back, giggling away to lord Jesus. “oh god, thank you god, we love you god” she would roll her eyes, smirk and shrug her shoulders... Chris is actually getting married next year and i'm invited to her wedding. She wants it in a church. It'll be interesting to see this one play out.. Maybe this is a TV show just waiting to happen.
Fast forward a bit further still and I had started becoming quite the local celeb in town. As the only foreigner, I was walking around like Princess Diana and strutting my stuff like I was Angelina Jolie. Restaurants would give me the best table, cinema’s would change a dubbed movie to plain english, bars started giving me free booze. Actually to be honest it was quite embarrassing. Bus loads of girls would drive past screaming ‘bacon, bacon, bacon’
I'm like HUH????
“Luke they are saying beckham, you look like football star Beckham”
OHHHHHH *slight head nod* hmmmmm maybe I do...
And as each day passed my love for teaching grew. The kids were fantastic. Days were endless fun and I was a real natural when it came to teaching. The parents were delighted with my efforts and this made Miss Huang extremely happy.
So to say thanks she decided to spoil me with a little massage. A 'little' 3 hour authentic Chinese massage. As i walked into the palour she smiled and wished me luck.. Wait why was she wishing me luck.
But by the end I could barely walk. It was the most excruciating experience of my life. For 3 hours she poked, pulled and punched at all my pressure points. My helpless squeals did nothing to stop the fury she unleashed over my body. At the end she smiled, proud at the service she had just given. I nearly cried. I had just stared death in the eyes and she was a pretty young chinese girl with pink hair.
Now lets talk about KIKI. By this stage it was becoming obvious to everyone of Kiki's increased fondness of me and we were becoming increasingly flirtatious inside and outside of school. We became the gossip of the school and everyone loved to poke fun..
A cheeky Miss Huang would organise dinners and weekends away and purposely invite Kiki and me only. As she sat in the front seat of the car taking a million selfies she would ponder in the revision mirror hoping me and kiki were holding hands. Her tactics failing everytime.
It was on our weekends away that I realised China is still a country struggling with its identity. Whilst cities are modern and prosperous, the country side is still poor and underdeveloped. Whilst the government pushes for a democracy that embraces industry and trade, there are still millions who live on nothing and rely heavily on farming and agriculture for food and shelter.
There are heavy restrictions on international news and the government blocks most social media platforms. Wechat, Weibo and QQ are all chinese alternatives to our instagram, facebook and whatsapp.
Western influences are becoming more obvious with younger generations embracing American pop culture in droves. Coffee, iPads, Lady Gaga and the big bang theory are all mega popular.
They also have a drinking culture different to anywhere else i’ve experienced. You pay for a table and each table has a certain amount of drinks. Beer goes warm as everyone stands around waiting for the first sucker to hit the dance floor. From what I can tell there is still no gay scene but small bars are popping up in larger cities.
Astonishingly the push to learn english is now common across all schools in China and kids are learning from the ages of 2 or 3. Whilst older generations stare me down and mumble Mandarin, the general acceptance of foreigners is great and i'm usually surrounded by hoards of teenagers all keen to chat about Beyonce and Britney Spears.
Although the gap between rich and poor is obvious they all seem to follow the same basic principle when it comes to family. And that is to earn a decent living and raise a happy family.
If you look at the history of China, they've come along way. They were born into a country that has overcome years of imperial and Confucius rule, child like emperors and everlasting dynasties. They’ve closed their doors to trade and hidden away from the western world. They’ve battle devastating wars with Japan and Korea. Became addicted to opium and lost Hong Kong to the British. Been ruled by tyrant leaders with communist ideals. They’ve seen millions starve and perish.
But China today is a country in transition. It has an open door policy and is reaping the benefits of a booming economy, a strong workforce and cheap labour. Everyone knows everything is made it China. Even UGG boots I imported all the way from Aus were made it China.
It’s a fascinating country, with fascinating people. They eat anything that moves and their cites are covered in smog. They spit like theres no tomorrow and they love to dance in parks. They're rude and pushy but extremely kind and loyal. They are the ones to watch in this ever changing world.
I unfortunatly ended up getting kicked out and banned from china for accidentally overstaying my visa. It was horrible experience, that involved endless paperwork but I can now tick being an ‘illegal alien’ off my bucket list. This is another story in itself. One i'll sure tell you later..
I will miss the kids. Coco’s hugs, Bob’s jokes, emily’s smiles. I will miss seeing Yoyo, Cici and Kevin who brought me so much joy. I will miss seeing 'aunty' who made sure she always wished me good morning. I will miss the parents and their appreciation. I will miss Chris and all her concerns but her genuine nature. I will miss Kiki and they way she makes me so happy. I will miss Miss Huang who has become a mother to me in a country that was so foreign. I have grown to love them all and they all mean the absolute world to me. I cant wait to return for Chris’s wedding and to see baby number two for Miss Huang.
"I have a baby coming, number two, a brother for you luke" she told me on my last night in China.
