Morocco

"OMG guys.... check it outtttt!"

We walked into our 5 star hotel with our heads in the clouds.

"Fresh orange juice sir?"

The walls were a wash with colour and shapes. Cheeky men played funky music. The fragrance of flowers filtered through. Oh and everyone smiled.

"Welcome to Marrakech Mr Kenny and Ms Crook, I hope you've had a pleasant journey thus far, please follow me."

We dumped our bags, freshened up and the phone rang.

"Mr Kenny, your guide is ready down in the lobby, he is waiting to take you into the Medina for lunch".

Marrakech is surrounded by a huge mud and brick wall that traps inside an exotic old town called a Medina.

Inside you'll find a HUGE square full of snake charmers, henna women, beggars, camels, cars, tourists, monkeys on leashes, men praying and cute kids flying kites. Its all a bit hectic but a welcomed surprise from our boring lives in London.

I was travelling with two girls (well three actually if you include Alex) so it came at no surprise that we were dragged to the bazaar first for some 'much needed' retail therapy.

"Ohh guys I really want a new leather bag" Emma our beloved Manc was hell bent on getting herself a leathery bargain and having this years 'must have' accessory.

The bazaar is FANTASTIC. A maze of tiny alleyways.

A vibrant mix of colours, smells and faces. Full of chaos but dripping with charisma. So large in fact its impossible to see any bit of it twice..

"ummmm how do we get out of here?"

"not until I get my bag Haley"

Convinced that it was of genuine leather and happy with her price bidding war, Emma grabbed her bag and we finally exited the bazaar 3 hours later.

*We later found out the guy had completely lied and it was actually made of camel skin.

Actually...

It started to stink after a while...

Emma was umm..

A tad angry...

We ventured back into the medina that night for some din dins and to taste some local moroccan delicacies. I ended up bumping into a young moroccan man who presisted on dragging us down some dark side streets assuring us he knew a great place with 'amazing' local food.

Leading the pack I had full confidence this man would take us somewhere special for dinner. When we started walking down some pretty scary alleyways tripping over rubbish, homeless people and mangey cats I could hear the girls whispering at the back.

"Ummmmm Luke, where are you taking us?"

"Great he's gonna get us killed on our first night"

To be honest I was getting...... a .....little.... concerned. But then it happened. The man stopped and pointed to a huge wooden door with magical iron handles.

"Just through here sir"

And just like that we stepped into moroccan heaven. We'd seen morroccan riads before in travel mags but to finally see it in person... was just WOW!!

A Riad is a courtyard surrounded by lavish moroccan architecture. Hidden away from the loud city streets they ooze class and history. The courtyard was draped in huge white curtains, classic moroccan furniture, glorious gardens and in the middle a mesmerising fountain of spitting swans.

When our tangines arrived we nearly died. My first bite near knocked me from my chair. Tangine is a local dish slow cooked in a funny looking clay pot.

And these tagines were fucking delicious.

For the rest of the night we all communicated with simple head nods and long Mmmmmmmmm's and yeeeaaaaaahhhhhs.

Our guide had us up bright and early the next day. Our boots ready and our weather proof jackets on. It was time to explore the Atlas Mountains. Which seeing as Marrakech is smack bang in the middle of a desert it was a bit weird to wander through snow capped mountains. But there's endless hiking options and authentic home stays.... so go check it out!

Another highlight was a road trip to the coast. Essaouira was our destination and we were told it's crazzzzzzzzy nice. Oh and being on the Atlantic ever so cooooool..

Of course we stopped along the way.

There were some pretty normal things, you know like endless desert, camels, a honey factory, oh and goats in a tree.

"wait, why are there goats in the tree?"

But definitely visit this amazing coastal city. I'm pretty sure they film all of Game of Thrones in Essaouira.

Its definitely got that Daenerys Targaryen feel.

Its got a rusty old town, a fishy harbour and a beach with bright orange sand. Try and avoid the moroccan surfer dudes who will stop at nothing to sell you weed. And please note: The seagulls are on roids, if they don't snatch all your food they will potentially peck your head off.

It was now creeping into saturday night and we decided to check out Pacha night club. Thinking it was a bit strange to have such a sleazy nightclub in quite the conservative country. It should be fun right??!!

Well first things first. We need booze.

"Mr Kenny there is only one place that sells alcohol in Marrakech, and its on the other side of town"

Just one....? We all kinda looked at each other blankly.

Ahh stuff it.... lets go get some vodka.

We arrived 1 minute late and it had closed.

"fuck......now what"

"excuse me" a small voice come from behind.

"excuse me, are you looking for alcohol? A small but mature man in a suit taps me on the shoulder

"I can get you alcohol"

He looked a little creepy, but..... he was wearing a suit. And murderers don't wear suits right? The girls were a tad concerned but me and Alex decided to follow.

"So you can help us?"

"Yes, come with me"

The girls weren't having a bar of it.

"Ummm so we're just gonna stay here with the taxi man, you know, where its safe, but if you get killed, call us"

And soo off we went, with a total stranger, down some dark alleys in a foreign city where alcohol is like the devil. What could go wrong?

We arrived at a back door down a strange street. There were people hanging about and it kinda smelt. Our suit man knocked a secret knock and a large women exited with a rather skinny looking guy. He asked if we had the money. He said yes. He look left then right then left again. He quickly handed us a brown paper bag, quickly took our money and left inside with his amazonian woman.

I looked inside the bag... yep...vodka.

"Sir DON'T.. Do not remove it, keep it in the bag and hide it, don't get it out until you get home" said the man in the suit.

And just like that he disappeared.

"ummmm so did we just do a drug deal, but with alcohol?"

It was soooo strange. I felt dirty. Are we criminals? We called the girls who had already left and just assumed we were kidnapped so left us for dead.

When we got back, they were already asleep. We hardly touched the bottle of vodka and so kinda forced ourselves to go out.

And turns out Pacha is really shit. No-one danced, no-one drank and I've had more fun at my nan's 70th. Bit of an anti-climax to our non-alcoholic moroccan mis-adventure but meh who cares..

The next day we booked a Turkish Hamman.

The main room was sweet with a romantic ambience. There were rose petals, silk sheets and soothing turkish tunes.

Two pretty girls guided us into a small room. It was dark with two benches. Everything was covered in tiles. It was steaming like a sauna and had a bath full of boiling silky water.

We sat in our speedo's, the girls in their bikinis and waited patiently.

When the two pretty girls returned, they had on large rubber gloves. The gloves looked like sand paper. They filled up a bucket of warm silky water. Then SWOOSH! Without hesitation she violently thrusts it in my face.

My eyes!!!!! I was choking..

"What was that for?"

And before I could refocus... SPLASH!! Another bucket of hot water to the face.

Why the hell did they not do this to Alex?

They stood Emma and Haley up next. Grabbed their sandpaper gloves and ripped their bikini's straight off.

It was schoolies 2005! It was tit's out for the boys.

Haley screamed and quickly covered herself. Emma I think stood in shock. Haley has rather big melons so was struggling to keep her modest a secret, whilst emma had her baps bouncing around like girls gone wild.

The two moroccan girls looked confused.

"Are you not lovers?"

Soooo after the initial awkwardness they re-flicked their gloves and they gots to scrubbing. Every crevasse was scrubbed. By the end our bodies were left in a pile of bone, blood and muscle. Our skin had been scrubbed out of existence. But DAMN did we feel like we were floating on cloud 9. Like a fairy on an acid trip we danced around the sauna high on life.

No one could touch us, we were invincible. We smelt like rainbows.

Well except for the dust and dirt that blanketed us when we walked outside.

Ahhhh damn it...

On our last day we decided to adopt two baby Chameleons.

We had seen them being sold at the markets for medicine and it broke our heart.

Saving two was a no brainer and a 5 pounds each quite the bargain.

My little guy unfortunately was already on the path to lizard heaven. Being kept in a tiny cage with the Saharan sun melting his tiny body didn't help. But when I stared into his goggly eyes, I knew it was love at first sight.

The girls lizard was a bit more lively with bright green skin and yellow spots. But the two of them kept us entertained for hours, their wobbly little eyes, their funny little walk and "OMG, it just changed colour"

We ripped apart the hotel gardens and made a make-shift habitat from them in the bathtub. They became our little babies and we hated leaving them alone, not for one second.

If one hissed we would storm into the bathroom...

"whats wrong, are you ok, my poor baby"

Our final night was a mega horrible dinner show spectacular. Poor women having to walk and dance in knee high mud and camels so depressed they swayed in silent tears. We were served a mountain of cous cous, a buffet of fruit, oh and an entire goat.

"Hey, weren't you up a tree earlier?"

The poor thing still had its head attached and you could see the blood still pumping through its veins. I knew it was dead but I'm pretty sure it was crying on the inside.

Luuuuuke, please don't eat me, please don't eat me...

"STOP... Alex put the knife down, tonight we eat apples"

We said our final goodbyes to Morocco by setting our little lizard babies free. We found a safe, shaded spot away from swopping birds and preying moroccan children and kissed them a sad farewell.

We apologised to the hotel for ruining their garden and for the dirt in the bathtub. We jumped in our taxi and we left morocco behind. Pretty sure there was a tear in everyones eyes.

It had definitely been an adventure, full of fun, antics and mishaps. Mis-adventures and madness. Morocco is hot, mysterious and fascinating. Just don’t drink the orange juice...

We were shitting for days.